Message #424

[Venser]

There's a lot of stuff in here I can't/won't dump, like my IWBTP notes, IWBTP saves, archived Facebook conversations, a picture of the cover of CoD: MW with my face photoshopped onto the guy, some EM threads I've archived, notes on some other things I can't talk about...

But I will post a few things. Here's my list of puns. I'd spoiler them since there are so fucking many, but I can't, so fuck that.


When I bought some fruit trees the nursery owner gave me some insects to help with pollination. They were free bees.
The astronomer's research project didn't win him the coveted Galaxy Award, but he did receive a constellation prize.
The dentist's alibi was full of holes, so the police performed a cavity search.
Over the years elevators have had their fair share of ups and downs in terms of popularity, but thankfully the idea has not been shafted.
I'm always breaking into song - I can never find the right key.
The plumber explained that the problem in my kitchen was just water under the fridge.
A girl saw a herd of llamas. Her father said, 'We could stop and dally there.' She said, 'Alpaca suitcase.'
There was a shootout in The Gap. There were many casual-tees.
I could not pull out of my parking space, so I used my back up plan.
She's happy to make a pair of pants for you, or at least sew its seams.
After having a knee dislocated and an elbow fractured in two barroom brawls Bradley should have learned to stay away from those joints.
A thousand dogs were stolen from a pet shop on Saturday. Police say they have no leads.
A friend told me he dug a hole in my backyard and filled it with water. I thought he meant well.
I got a deal on a new computer, and they threw in the operating system to boot.
When the knight logged onto his computer there was the message, 'You got mail.' It was a chain letter.
In a recession, the most secure job is garbage-man. Business is always picking up.
Police found a criminal shot to death with exit wounds but no entry wounds. It was an inside job.
A hungry traveler stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies.
I know a rancher who has 100 head of cattle, but he thought there were only 99 until he rounded them up.
I want ambiguity, or possibly something else.
Why was the ink drop sad? Because her dad was in the pen and she didn't know how long the sentence would be.
What does a villain call his silverware? Weapons of mass digestion.
I was going to start an Apathy Anonymous group, but why bother.
There is only one way to open the door and that is the key.
A wig van blew up on the motorway - police are combing the area.
The man who bought too much graphing paper didn't know where to draw the line.
The calculus teacher tried to keep his students on task, but the class discussion kept going off on tangents.
Opening a new funeral parlor can be quite an undertaking.
The man found something to catch fish, which was a net gain.
My friend had amnesia and couldn't remember how to walk up the stairs, so I had to go back and teach him step by step.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, but his summer didn’t go so well.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
We wanted to play a game of cards but we only had half a deck. It was no big deal.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
For a while, Houdini used a lot of trap doors in his act, but he was just going through a stage.
A baker stopped making donuts after he got tired of the hole thing.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
I dropped out of my communism class because of lousy Marx.
A bank manager who was also a high jumper spent most of his time in the vault.
Backups are usually a good thing unless it's a sewer.
One-one was one racehorse: two-one was one too -- two-one won one race: one-one won one too.
Some people who cut hair can be quite barbarous.
A frightened dog that runs from everything should be called the Golden Retreater.
Thieves have muscles of steal.
Sign at a deer crossing: The Buck Stops Here.
The scorpion said to the desert, 'You know, our conversations are always so dry.'
The 'Star Wars' character was nicknamed 'Coffee'. His real name was Java the Cup.
The inventor of rope built a very large hempire.
An archaeologist's career ended in ruins.
If you want to make really good soap you've to to raise the bar.
When traveling between Russia and Alaska, you first must get your Bering Strait.
In order to talk to a viking you need to know Norse code.
Some hospitals have to cut coroners.
A dog who played baseball always got walked.
If you don't fix the plumbing for your shower properly you could be in a lot of hot water.
When thunderstorms felt that they weren't getting paid enough, they went on a lightning strike.
When purchasing soap if you buy two and get one free that's a bar-gain.
The coach didn’t let him play all season. The result was a new benchmark.
The poet had written better poems, but he had also written verse.
What do you mean you can’t tuna fish? Just adjust its scales.
A man stole a case of soap from the corner store. Police say he made a clean getaway.